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[24 Oct 2006|04:43pm] |
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I work so hard. It's just not fair. I know everything and more about psych, so why is it I still get a c? It just doesn't seem possible to me. I am just feeling so low right now. I don't think I could possibly go on. I have books I'm supposed to read, but I just can't now. I really just don't want to do anything in life anymore. I wasn't meant for college, that's for sure. I don't know why I ever kid myself.I know I'm intelligent, so why don't my grades reflect that? I worked so hard on that essay, I still got a grade I felt I shouldn't have gotten. They're waiting for that extra umph that I just don't have. I'll never have it. I'm not pessimistic, I just know myself by now. Everything is just awful right now. Marina and Vicky and Ariel did what they did which sucks. I just don' want to be here anymore. I'm done. This isn't where I'm supposed to be. I feel so ashamed. Maybe I really am stupid, but I'm just good at fooling myself.
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[19 Oct 2006|01:46pm] |
I'm really starting to come into my skin more and more. Just a thought.
And as far as tv shows go:
..........project runway, bitches. AMAZING. I knew Jeffrey was going to win from the very start. Everyone else didn't. Suckas!!!
and one tree hill is getting creepy. what's up with Payton's brother/stalker?! what gives?? It gives me the freaking creeps everytime. His tatoo was outrageous. And that one prostitute....uummmm can you say sick in the head? Payton needs to watch her back.
and america's next top model. Melrose bugs me. she's one of those people that pretent to be overly, sickingly cram-down-your-throat confident because she secretly lacks it. Whatever. I don't think she looks very model-ish, but she's pretty photogenic. I think she gets easy positions to fill though. Guh. I predict that....
wait no. I don't have a prediciton yet......let me think about it.......
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[16 Oct 2006|09:50pm] |
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yaaaaay. first quiz ever in college tomorrow. wish me luck!!!
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[05 Oct 2006|02:53pm] |
Dude!!! This is why I love college:
so last night was the first rain and everyone knows that's when people have the naked run!
so like we're all on the side of the road (all of colege nine) and we hear this muffled roar and before you know it HUNDREDS of people come streaking by!!
HAHAHAHA
it was hella funny! and then allegra and mellissa just throw off their towels in a fit of joy and run to join the rest of the high/drunk/ straight up looney toons people.
so pretty much this one guy was wearing long socks, a mask and nothing else. it was absolutely invigerating and i didn't even do it myself!! But I promised the girls I would do it next year. Because we all know sexual liberation is the BEST liberation.
Santa Cruz kicks so much ass.
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[03 Oct 2006|05:42pm] |
I, Brooke Gray, am a Guitar Hero.
Officially......(on hard)
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[27 Sep 2006|05:00pm] |
So colege is pretty much kicking my ass and it's only half way through the first week. I want to fucking die from all this god damn homework. fuck my life!!!! But people are super nice, so eh. I can't complain. I actually did semi-decent on my math placement so I get to NOT take a basic math class!!! aren't you guys proud of me? So basically i don't miss benicia at all and all the jerk-offs there who never understood me. Santa Cruz pretty much kicks benicia's ass. 100x over. and the ra's are tight.
but......there was that girl who myseriously fell off the birdge that I have to walk over every day. That was seriously so unreal and super tragic. She was a second-year and in the college next to me (10) I feel so awful for her parents. You expect big things for your child, and then......a tragic event.
oh. Lindsay just called and told me about the dance team try-outs. that sounds like fun. ok. i'll go. that'll probably kick my ass too. oh well. i like the abuse. or something.
well that's all for now. tasha needs to chill. that's pretty much the only thing i would change right now.
AAAAANNNDDD my mission statement for right now is:
SUCCESS IS THE BEST REVENGE.
pretty good, right?
aight peace out.
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[13 Sep 2006|11:01am] |
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WHO THE FUCK SAID THAT TO EVAN. WHY WOULD YOU LIE. WHY WOULD YOU SPREAD RUMORS ABOUT ME.
IF IT WAS RENNIE: LEARN SOME HYGIENE MANNERS. I WON'T MISS YOU EATING ALL MY ICE CREAM. I HAVE ALL YOUR STUFF TOO. CD'S. ONE TREE HILL DVD THAT I BOUGHT YOU. EARRINGS. I AM GIVING NONE OF IT BACK.
AS FOR ANYONE ELSE WHO MIGHT HAVE SAID THAT TO HURT ME:
FUCKING KARHMA.
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| To whom it may concern. |
[13 Sep 2006|10:28am] |
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It seems like there is a lot of unfinished business in my life. Pretty sure if I died right now I'd....probably become a ghost or something. All that aside.
For Evan: I don't know what you mean by "pretending to get lost in sf" but that's exactly what happened. If you were so angry at me for getting lost then just tell me instead of accusing me of not even wanting to see you. Do you think I would want to drive all the way to San Francisco, waste the gas with CAITLYN in the car only to pretend to get lost? Honestly, I didn't think you were like that. But now I know.
For Rennie whom may never read this: Things just don't add up. The missing starbucks cup under the coffeemaker, missing. The cantaloupe which my dad was saving, gone. The light in my bedroom, on. Your sketchiness, not cool. Other stuff missing as well. And all in all you rather hang out with someone else than listen to my problems. I thought you really liked being my friend considering the last time we almost broke our friendship was the first time I ever saw you cry. What happened within a matter of a couple months? Did you realize you didn't need me anymore? Did you realize you have other friends now? Did you feel there was no way to deter my final opinion of you? Because obviously everyone loves hearing sorry. But I do have to admit a sorry wouldn't help. At This point in time I would just like an explanation and one I can eactually believe coming from you.
But I am guessing from the lack of your follow-up that you really DON'T have an explanation and that you rather just not think about it.
I would just like to know why all of this happened and why you did the things you did. Also, not only did you let down me, you let down my parents. Especially my mom, who I think we can both agree was almost like a second mother to you.
Sure you'll make friends, and I'm pretty sure they'll be just amazing and have sooooooo much in common with you. But if you never learn to be a good friend, and I don't mean others telling you that, you'll never keep them. Soon I'll be leaving anyway, and none of this will matter.
But you have taken away a part of me. I mean that. A whole really big part of my life is gone now. All the pictures, the snowboarding trips, the locket, excursions to the dollar tree, photo shoots, stealing the cd's, cutting class to go to the beach, ragging on matt, you comforting me when I needed it most and all. Gone. I'm forced to forget my senior year because of you. A very important part of my life. But, I'm glad you've moved on. Now you can enjoy the life of drugs. Sorry I held you back.
That's all.
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[31 Aug 2006|03:45pm] |
Confession: I like Paris HIlton's song "Nothing In This World."
AND I AM NOT ASHAMED OF THAT.
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[31 Aug 2006|01:04am] |
I've updated a lot lately. For no good reason too. And now it is early in the morning. Oh early posting. It sucks. God I am bored.
I want to see Matt tomorrow. I reeeaalllyyy need to. Even though I see him almost everyday for a couple hours it's not enough. I need forever with him.
AND I WISH HE WOULD JUST TELL ME HE LOVES ME ALREADY. But no. He hasn't. So help me God if he hasn't by the time I'm gone off to Santa Cruz. There will be some major smack-down-age. Or worse.
So earlier today I helped caitlyn pack. and she's leaving tomorrow morning. So I don't have to watch her cry.
Uumm..yeah. not too much else to say about that. That's a dark chapter in my life. let's move on....Forever.
And one last thought: Earlier today I was depressed by some news a friend of mine told me. She has been my little boo boo since she was a freshman and I a junior, but now.....she is involved in drugs. And it's too hard to make people not lie to me when it comes to that sort of thing. Because when you get right down to it everyone is weak. I give up. I guess mankind ISN'T destined for more than just being hopped up on drugs 24/7 or looking for a next fix. I guess people can't handle it. They need it. How pathetic. I will be her friend, but I will always look down on that. Find your own mind expansion if you have to, but don't lie to me that it's not that way. You're only doing yourself a disservice.
Now I can sleep. Loves.
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[30 Aug 2006|10:29am] |
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oh gaaah.
drats. Having to spend the entire day with Caitlyn today. And I really REEEAALLLYYY don't want to. But I have nothing else to do. Thus, I will.
Last night we attempted to go to a club in SF. We got lost because of the construction and it was miserable. Just miserables. We were going to meet evan. He didn't know his way around all of the mess either. At Least I got 16 bucks outta it from Caitlyn. Holler at some new bronzer I;ve been needing. OOops....she's coming....
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| I Dance The Tarantella. |
[25 Aug 2006|04:26pm] |
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music |
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Robot Rock--Daft Punk |
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Just moments before I wrote this I was trying to see how many glasses of orange juice I would have to drink a day to add up to 500 milligrams, but that task miserably failed. Because soon during this effort I realized I know shit about math. Damn it. I can't even covert measurements!
whatever. I am feeling very well...confused lately. And a little dazed. Dazed and confused. What a strange time in my life right now. Everyone's gone! Kelsi has been gone since the beginning of the summer, Lauren's gone, Evan's gone now, and Rennie has already started school, so basically I never see her anymore. And I make an extreme effort to see Matt everyday and I love that. But in a way it's ruining me...I'm getting spoiled and I'm going to need to see him everyday in college and that just can't happen!
Haha this music is kinda making me feel weird. I'm like trying to be all pensive and this music is all robot rock-ish (hence the name) and it's making me all uuuhhhh what was I thinking?!?!
K none of that. OHHH!! Ziggy Stardust. I play this song all the time on Guitar Hero. Yes. I am ADDICTED to that game. I had it for like two days when I finally went over to Matt's house and I beat his brother soooooo bad. I already play on Expert. BOOYAH!
GOD, MAKE ME A ROCKSTAR ALREADY.
Oops. That was a little demanding. Please do take your time.
So Caitlyn just called me and I lost my trail of thought. GUH.
This has been a very colorful entry. I would love for all you to read this. But, I know you all have lives. Oh well. Basically this is just for me. Guh, continuing on. Bowie, I am not feeling you. Sorry.
Thank you Death Cab. Where was I? Ah yes. List of things to do:
get more cd's from the library...get bottles of water.....get lots of orange juice....figure out if UCSC has ironing boards....fix plaid pants...(find them first)....get a planner...get a big callendar type thing....or just a callendar...or not yet....
God that was a pointless to do list. Mainly why I am writing this is because I am both happy and sad to be leaving Benicia. I grew up here. Yeah I hated it at times. Ok the majority of the time, It has shaped me into the person I am today. I am not really for change just yet. Think I'll be ready in two weeks? Let's hope. And all my friends who I've known forever. They're gone. And although I'd like to remain positive, I WILL lose them. It's just the fact of life. I will go to school. Keep my head submerged in studies, get a boring job where I'll hate it because I'll end up in a cubicle. And Then I'm meet Mr. Maybe and We'll marry and I'll pop out too many kids for my own good because my husband knowcked me up one too many times, and then we'll divorce and the kids will turn into messed up mental cases where the cycle will continue and continue until the sun burns out and all is lost.
wow. Think I'm done for now....
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[04 Aug 2006|02:37pm] |
What is wrong with me? Am I just exremely hormonal or what?!
I keep questioning myself at everything I do lately. I just think too much and that's getting me into trouble. And then I keep putting that wall up around me. I really want to be able to love with all my heart, but something is holding back. I just don't think I'm ready yet and I'm trying to MAKE myself ready. But even my subconscious is stubborn.
As much as I want closure for the things I am unsure of in my life right now, now is just not the right time to be looking for answers. Not yet.
I need to step back and just let things go with the flow. I need to work on that more than anything. Yes, I am feeling things I have never felt before but I shouldn't be scared that it's all going to come crashing down one day. I need ti have faith and a positive outlook. Even if it means I will get burned in the end.
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| Daily Rant |
[29 Jul 2006|04:20pm] |
Wow. So Avril and Derick Whibley finally tied the knot, huh? That's hot.
Anyway. So for my rant: Today I was watching The Simple Life And Nicole was trying to set up a wedding (or "Commitment Celebration" for the PC) for this lesbian couple and well, she was trying to find people in their neighborhoood to come. So Nicole and the two daughters of the couple go to their neighbors and the lot of them seem to be fine and supportive of the whole situation except for this one lady (who cannot be seen because she was too busy cowarding behind her ugly out-of-date white gridded door.) When Nicole asked the lady if she would come, the lady responded, "HA! I believe in God!"
GUUUUUUUUH.
Religious people who think so highly of their pathetic little god-fearing selves bug me. So there you have it. My daily rant. Enjoy! And have a great day.
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[05 Jul 2006|09:07pm] |
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music |
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engelbert humperdinck |
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ooooooook.
So.
I'm feeling depressed a little bit tonight. I fought with Matt again and really, it's getting annoying. But it was mainly brought on by his mom, so I guess I shouldn't take things so personally. I really hope I know what I'm doing these days. I mean, I just sort of do what feels right. I guess that's good enough....right?
well at any rate, I try not to think about the bad things all too often anymore. I just started noticing how fast life goes by and if I'm not careful, I might just spend the rest of my life worrying about little things never allowing myself to become who I need to become or to experience the things I need to experience.
Honestly I have no idea what I'm saying. Just sounds good.
So all that confusing stuff aside (because quite frankly I'm a little too emotionally exhausted to think about it) I'm going to Europe in less than a week! I'm psyched about that and it will be FAMOUS. Oh. It will. I just...um....need to figure out where in London and France I'm going to go exactly...HEH.
Good one. eh. Whatever. I'm not inspired tonight by anything even though I so totally need to be.
Maybe I should go dance.
....ok I just tried and I am WAY too tired.
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[19 Jun 2006|01:57pm] |
Thank you.
Thank you, everyone. For everything. Have I really graduated? What has this world thrown at me this time? Soon I won't have that security to break my fall everytime things get too tough. God...can this really be true? It's like a dream, really...I'm done with this life. This life that I've had since forever. It's going to be all gone soon. It breaks my heart. Why was I so excited before and now I'm scared? I am so high maintenance. I need to stop that. But truly, I know I will be so excited I won't know what to do. But still....What am I doing with my life?
......what AM I doing with my life?
..............what's everyone else doing?......
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[05 Jun 2006|08:06am] |
JKGFBLFK.
I HATE SUPERMAN.
Do we honestly need ANOTHER superman movie?!?
NO.
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[22 May 2006|03:38pm] |
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Why does everyone smoke now?
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[21 May 2006|10:00pm] |
Oh. My. God.
Marissa.
That was the best episode ever. Ryan got to be jesus again back from the Tijuana episode from back in the day.
I still can't believe she's dead.
The OC will never be the same.
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[13 May 2006|12:25pm] |
anyone wanna go to an ashlee simpson concert tonight????
It's free....
and yeah.....you should come. I will take anyone.
seriously.
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